Things my Father Told Me
I am what’s considered an nontraditional college student. I went to school from 18–22 ran out of money, dropped out for 10 plus years and now I’m back in school. From time to time I get the opportunity to talk with young men in their early 20’s that are trying to figure out life. Often, their comments force me to quote my father. My father was a military man Air Force and he tried to pour everything he knew about life into me. His goal was to give me a strong core and avoid building myself on false premises. He steered me away from becoming a liar. He helped me understand the emptiness that lies within excuses. He also wanted me to understand the value of hard work and how I can establish who I am with it. Lastly, he made me aware of the importance of keeping my word. My father gave me the tools to be a man of integrity and I want to share some of his wisdom with you.
One of the first quotes I remember from maybe 3rd or 4th grade was, “I despise lies and liars. For every lie, you must find another lie to cover up the last one. Eventually, you will lose track of your lies and of who you are”. I have a phrase that I created. Walking in the Light and I firmly believe this is a habit great men embrace. Before I dive into what walking in the light looks like, I want to talk about why we lie. Lies represent shame and underachievement. We must be able to look at our lives and honestly asses the reflection looking back at us. I did not always embrace this concept. When I first moved to Denver years ago, I had the big apartment I could barely afford. I worked a day job and as a bouncer in nightclubs to scrape by. I was ducking phone calls for old credit card bills, student loans and other dumb things I signed up for in my 20’s that I could not pay for. It was a huge insecurity for me because it was proof that I could not take care of myself. I compensated by hiding behind my job, and making it seem like my job made me great. I hid behind my status as a bouncer at several bars and the people I knew on the nightclub scene. I had built this image based on very frail lies because I was afraid to face my life. I was full of so much shame around my debt that I would boast huge bar tabs and host parties at my place to show everyone I’m the man. Eventually, I realized yes, I can hide from myself, but I cannot run from who I am. I remember when I realized I had to face this financial nightmare. I sat down with my pastor at the time and told him I think I need to downsize and move into a studio apartment, find a financial advisor and face this head on. I remember being unable to afford the lunch I asked him to come to meet me to discuss all of this. I moved into a studio apartment, in 2011, stayed in one from then until 2017. I reached debt free, and as a result, I’m in college pursuing my degree. It takes courage to face your life, greet the reflection and make the right changes that help you grow into a man you are proud of. When you face your life and embrace it all the good, the bad, and the ugly it changes you. Then start to plot out the steps towards fixing the bad, reshaping the ugly and embracing the good. You realize there is no need to lie about anything because you’ve faced it and accepted the challenge. This is how we walk in the light, my friends.
Another quote from my father I use often is “Excuses are monuments to nothing”. While I was fighting to get to debt free I had to burn off some aspects of myself that were unhealthy. For a time, it was a very powerful yet soothing experience. We can only stay inside the safety of our walls for so long. As I began to venture out into the world I realized quickly people do not give a shit about your goals and dreams. As I walked through my journey to becoming debt free, I had to give somethings up. I did not have a car, and I rode the bus. I also lived in a studio apartment and I faced some judgment for it from friends and women I went on dates with. I had people looking down on me as if I was homeless. I felt it and I felt shame again. I felt like I had to hide who I was, and I started making excuses. With women, I found it very comforting. I’d say things like “If you tell a woman you do not have a car, you will lose her quicker than a set of car keys”. I’d add a bit of flare to it by patting down my front pockets and spinning around like damn she was just here and poof. Then I’d beat myself up some more and state no woman would date a guy who has a studio apartment and rides the bus, that’s a double negative. I always found ways to laugh at my shame. What I was unwilling to accept was dating simply was not in my plans. I was using all my resources to get to debt free. Then once I was there, I knew I was going back to college to finish my undergrad and get my masters. Until then dating was not something I wanted to do. I did it because that’s what people expected me to do. I did it because I felt shame about being single in my 30’s, and I saw the way women look at me when they find out I’ve been single this long. They assumed something was off about me mentally. By using those excuses, I hid the best parts of myself. I had no degree and a big corporate job where I was making 10k a year more than they recently allotted for that role. Mysteriously people who were working there as long as I have were starting to disappear. I knew if I was let go for any reason I was SOL. I had to get to debt free and go get my degree. This was the only way to secure the future I wanted, and if I had to ride a bus, or live in a studio apartment so be it! Nothing was going to get in the way of my dream. Embracing that concept helped me shake off the shame and leave my excuses behind.
It was just my father and me for a while it was time for me to help keep the house clean and get the yard work done. As my father was giving me chores, he’d say, “Son, everything you do has your name on it. You are in charge of what your name will represent. If you do a piss poor job on work in school or chores I give you then your name will be piss poor. If you do excellent work, then you will be known for your excellence. It is your choice, what do you want to be known for son? Show me with your work”. I got into a fight with a teammate in college just outside the cafeteria. As punishment, I had to clean one of their stoves. I was given a toothbrush and some degreaser. I understood what I did wrong and I accepted my punishment. A few weeks later a lady who worked in the cafeteria for years approached me. She told me that was the cleanest she’d ever seen that stove in her entire time working at the university. Whatever I commit to, I will always do my absolute best because my work represents me. Maybe I’m a bit bias but I think this is a great habit for men to embrace. I don’t care if you are cleaning a bathroom or if you’re in charge of putting together a project that’s going to receive national attention at your job. Create one standard and everything you do receives the same amount of attention and effort. Your work represents you and it’s like my father said what do you want to be known for. The minute a task is assigned to you, will it put people at ease or will it put them on edge. This choice will always be yours.
Last but most certainly not least my father sat me down at 18 years old said, “You do not have very much right now. You have your word, and it must mean something to you. Do not become a man who can’t keep his word, because a man like that is nothing. A man like that has nothing. If you say you going to do something, you had better do it. If you say you are going to be there, then you better show up. Do not make a habit of breaking your word, or you will grow up to be a broken man”. This is the best advice my father ever gave me. When I think back over my childhood I cannot remember one time my father broke his word. Whether it was when he promised to take me to California to go to Disneyland, or when punishment for my misdeeds. My father, Mr. Hooks always delivered. He never broke one promise to me, and I strive to live my life in the same mold. Men keeping our word should be almost religious because it represents us. It represents who and what we are known for. It defines us when we are present, and it defines us when we aren’t around. Your word means something, but to accept that you must believe that you mean something. I cannot do that for you. Another thing my father used to say was “I can lead a horse to water, but I cannot make him drink it”. Now you know and knowing is half the battle 😊. I know I started off all these paragraphs with quotes, but this time I will end with one. “Always finish what you start”. This quote encompasses most of the above, a man who keeps his word will finish what he starts. A man who strays from using excuses will finish what he starts. A man who understands his name is on everything he does will not only finish what he starts, but he will also put in his best efforts in completing the task. Guys, let’s make it a habit to always finish what we start in everything we do.
I wrote this because it seems like we treat fathers like an Appendix, we do not hesitate to remove it if it goes bad. Otherwise, we barely acknowledge its existence. We consistently display fathers as these bumbling idiots that cannot function without mom. This isn’t against moms out there but plenty of fathers can hold their own whether mom is around or not. If my father had the ability to teach me these principals, then I know there are millions of fathers out there doing the same. If these are not ideas that you have come across in your life, I hope you are in a place to receive what was given to me. Life is all about learning and growing. Sometimes the process is simple and sometimes it is painful, but we must embrace the lessons. We cannot run from them especially when we know what is right. I want to highlight the concept there is more to us men, than the ones that screw things up. Fatherhood is precious and an irreplaceable aspect of our lives. One day I will be a father and I know that every cell in my body will be in love with my child. I will honor my role by giving him/her everything my father gave me and much more.
Live Well
