Positive Masculinity
What is it, and how is it impacting American men?
When reading articles about men, they are usually about suicide, depression, poor mental health, addictions, and general negativity. The authors of these articles generally seek to tear men down and limit how they can build themselves up. Once the debate concludes, there is little left for men to use as restoration. It presents the question of what defines American men? To answer this question, we must understand what concepts American men value and find motivational. In September of 2018, Dr. John Barry, an honorary lecturer at University College of London and the co-founder of the Male Psychology Section at UCL, surveyed 5000 men in the U.S. between the ages of 18–95 years old. In this survey, men unanimously place satisfying work as the number one priority; after establishing a satisfying career as a top priority, men listed physical and mental health as the next important category, followed by marriage.
According to the research, the most significant contribution to the American male’s mindset is satisfying work. Men must engage in work that takes advantage of their strengths and make them feel like they contribute to society. I do a lot of my research and writing in coffee shops. I became curious about what everyday men had to say about these findings, and I interviewed a few.
“Do you believe it is the number one priority for men to pursue satisfying work”? I clarified the term satisfying career as a job that makes men feel like they are using the best of their talents to contribute to society.
Without blinking, every man said yes. What made this unique was, one guy was changing from becoming a math teacher to going to seminary school to lead a church. Another guy owns his own business. He installs sidings and gutters on homes. There is an endless list detailing the different career paths men take but choosing the path that fulfills them is the constant. It may come as a shock to some that men value working in a career they believe in and physical/mental health as priorities over marriage. When we look at the inverse, the answer is clear. Would we encourage men who do not take care of their mental/physical health and hate their jobs to go out and get married? No.
The first step to creating a positive mindset for men is in the work they pursue. Will, a man, ignore who he is to do a job for the money, or will he follow what’s in his heart and pursue purpose? Let’s look at the meaning of the word purpose. Some synonyms for this word are ambition, aspiration, design, dream, and intention. These are powerful words, and it is essential to estimate their impact on men correctly. What happens to a man that ambitiously pursues his aspirations while being intentional in the design of his dream? He becomes a man who seeks meaning and understands that he participates in a bigger process than himself. Once we peel back this layer, we gain access to a side of men that does not receive enough attention in public domains. Professor Barry’s research shows it is enriching for men to know they can be counted on to deliver on a promise, no matter the circumstances. Men must first learn how to deliver on promises they’ve made to themselves before extending this mindset to anyone else. When men tap into this side of themselves by engaging in satisfying work, healthy relationships become attainable.
There is another side to this coin. When a man chooses not to pursue his dreams, there is a void inside him that is hard to fill. This moment is where a man can turn to alcohol, money, drug use, sex, and material possessions to replace his purpose. When all the arrows in a man’s life are not pointing in the same direction, he can lose his identity. Understandably, sometimes men take jobs that are not moving towards their goals because income is needed. Working an occupation that covers the basic needs allows the space to think about inspiring careers. How can men use these jobs in the same ways those jobs are using them? Does this profession offer tuition reimbursement? Can days off be used to get pieces of training and registrations completed? Instead of losing identity doing uninspiring work, use it to maintain focus on the goal.
According to Barry’s research, the next component to the happy male is physical and mental health. From a physical aspect, this starts with grooming, healthy eating habits, and routine exercise. We live in an age where beard oil is a thing, and men proudly get pedicures and manicures. Barry’s research suggests a strong indicator of positive masculinity is evident in how well a man takes care of himself. The next value men show interest in is eating healthy. America is doing a great job of highlighting the importance of nutrition in our daily lives. The value men place on nutrition extends to exercise. Often people hear the word exercise and think of a sweaty gym. Exercise comes in many different forms, including hiking, biking, rafting, walking, intramural sports, and any activity that gets people moving. Engaging in these activities keep men happy, healthy, and confident.
Exercise is also a coping skill that men can use when life gets hard. Going to a gym to let out some aggression or going on a long bike ride to connect with nature feels good. It gives men the space to disengage from stressful situations and come back to them with a refreshed mindset. An interesting point in the research is that health and fitness range beyond physical aesthetics for men. Married men discussed the importance of staying fit so they can protect their families. Whether it’s simple things like lifting heavy stuff around the house or if something unfortunate happens, he must defend his home. Many married men exercise and lift weights with these concepts in mind.
According to the study, men are just as passionate about mental health. There is no substitute for seeking counseling or mental health professionals. Talking with professionals provide excellent guidance on how to use healthy coping skills to deal with life. When talking to other men, they openly discuss the importance of pursuing mental health.
“A mental health professional does not have an allegiance to you the same ways friends do. So, they can point out some ugly truths,” one guy said.
“Personally, I just want the facts. What am I doing that’s harmful, and how can I fix it? Just leave it at that. I’ll take that information with me and think about how I can make the corrections,” said the other guy.
These conversations fit with the original narrative. Men do not need to be torn down and told how to rebuild. They need the right space to learn about themselves, then pursue growth.
Stepping away from the research, let’s dive into a controversial topic relating to male mental health. Male silence is one of the most misunderstood concepts about men. Men will remain silent and refrain from showing emotion when they do not trust their environment. I asked the same group of guys chatting over coffee if they wanted to talk about this. They gave me a weird look and agreed. The question was if they’ve ever shared a secret or a fear with a girlfriend/wife in an intimate moment, then a few days later, she uses that information against him to win an argument.
“All the time. I can’t tell my girlfriend anything!” One guy laughed and said.
Another guy who had a quiet demeanor nodded and said he shared some stuff with his lady one time. She used it against him, and he decided not to open himself up like that again. There we three other guys at the table that went into a discussion about this. When men experience this, it is a betrayal. The mindset becomes, she cannot hurt me with what she doesn’t know. My advice to men who experience this is simple, speak up! Hey, I told you that in confidence. Why would you use it in an argument? On the surface, it sounds vulnerable, but the statement is two-fold. This statement is also about men standing up for themselves and not silently accepting abuse.
I shared a story with my new coffee buddies. Whenever my mother punished me, she always waited until my friends were around. The punishment came, and then she took it a step further and shamed me in front of them with a secret. It ranged from low math grades to accidentally wetting the bed. It wasn’t enough to punish. She always added a healthy amount of shame to it. I asked if this ever happened to them in their childhood? One guy spoke up and agreed that his stepmother routinely used his secrets to hurt him in the same ways. The other guys looked at me and said they never thought of it this way. They openly wondered if that is where their girlfriends learned the behavior. The goal here is not to point the finger and throw another log on the fire of the never-ending battle between the sexes. People hurt people regardless of gender, but there is another issue at stake here. There is a fascination with shaming men, and fear of it keeps men quiet. For many men, this silence can extend itself to the fear of talking with counselors. The dread leaves men trapped in their minds, assuming anyone they share uncertainties or secrets with will use it as a bullseye to hurt them. Male silence is not about being macho and tough; it is about survival.
Let’s look at ways to make men feel connected to their social communities, which improves confidence and emotional stability. The research points to sports as a variety of avenues for men to make friendships and playful rivalries. Ever wonder why men play soccer with a team after a few surgeries and years past their prime. Men want to be dependable, and it brings them great satisfaction to know the team can rely on them. Winning the game is excellent, but the value is in facing the challenge from teams together. During seasons and tournaments, bonds form, and for many men, those bonds last a lifetime. Playing sports is an excellent way for men to engage in their competitive sides and create lifelong friendships. Gathering after the game to have a beer and chat also builds comradery. Spending time with men to talk about life provides security that can relieve stress. This example is one avenue where playing sports offers a path towards a positive mindset.
As men get older and cannot compete physically, they seek different ways to find satisfaction with their lives. Staying within the realm of sports, men can become coaches to show young men how to compete without compromising their integrity. Coaches show young men, although their best was not enough to win today, it does not mean they should stop trying. This message is transferable to daily life. A loss does not define him; a bad grade does not define him; a breakup does not define him. These are valuable lessons men must learn to be happy and healthy. Sports do not cover all the ways men can connect and grow with a healthy mindset. Men need to chase their different interests and use them as a platform to communicate with others.
The goal of this article was to highlight one word. Choices. The work men choose to do impacts how they see themselves and their relationships. By engaging in satisfying work and taking care of themselves, men take care of those closest to them. To achieve this goal, men must believe they are special. From there, they can make the connections that lead to a life full of meaning and fulfillment.
Live Well.
